Day 30 - my highs and lows of the past month

My highs of this past month have been so many. The biggest one has been getting the chance to work with Lake County Public Library as a paid intern. I consider that such a huge help for me because I was really starting to question my abilities as a librarian. It seemed like door after door was getting shut on me when it came to jobs due to not having enough reference or librarian experience when this door opened.  I went in running and am soaking it all in!

Another high is being able to reunite a relationship with someone that had gone sour. I have to admit it bothered me very much because this person was someone I respected so much in their profession and here we could not get along as friends. Finding out about something they did and reaching out caused us to restart the communication and this time I am going into the friendship carefully and just taking it day by day. 

Some lows were that I wanted to try and see if I could buy a house from a friend and I realized after many calculations that right now is not the time to do that. 

This idea lead too many arguments and fights from people that I love. It lead to me getting bashed left and right and while I tried not to let it get to me as bad as it could have, the reality is that it did affect me quite a bit. So much that I sunk into a deep state of depression and have not gotten out of it. I find myself questioning myself and wondering when I am going to pull myself out of debt and out of this vicious hole that I am in. Should I resort to bankruptcy or just work on getting the debts paid? 

That dangerous thinking has affected me to where I am questioning myself about everything and while I am trying to snap out of it…right now I am in a funk and wondering how to get out of it. 

That is my highs and my low.  This is my last blog in this challenge. I sure have enjoyed sharing my life for 30 days with everyone. I think I may try yet another one that my friend has on her blog and post some more thoughts of mine.

Until then, I bid you all peace and blessings.

day 29 - my goals for the next 30 days

My goals for the next 30 days

1. Work out 6 days a week with no excuses.
2.  Wake up earlier to start my workouts before work again
3. Tell myself positive affirmations everyday
4.  Love myself everyday all day
5. Track all the money I spend every day for 30 days
6. Track food everyday
7. Try and blog 1 or 2 times a week.
8. Use my cpap machine every night
9.  Finish the website for my internship.
10.  Work out 6 days a week.

day 28 - something I miss - being emotionally available.

Something that I miss is being open to openly have feelings towards a male.

Nowadays I always feel guarded and apprehensive simply by just talking to someone.  I miss the days where I could simply talk to a gentleman and find myself falling and growing feelings for him. 

I am thinking it changed when I started to get online and talking to people from all around the U.S. and would develop feelings and end up finding out that they were feeding me the same line that they gave to 20 other females. I did not like knowing I was one of many meanwhile I was thinking I could be his one and only. 

I became guarded even more when I saw how people treated others who were open with how they feel and used it against them. I stopped developing feelings for males after not getting loved in return from the last man I claimed to love. My attitude went from” Love makes it worth it” to” Why bother when love will never come back to me?”  

 It is sad to hear different males express interest and I feel nothing. I have become emotionally unavailable and a part of me doesn’t care what males feel because my heart doesn’t want to open up anymore and I am tired of being involved emotionally. I no longer have that energy to want to love and yet a part of me longs to be loved still to this day.

I miss the days where I was emotionally available and was open to being affectionate and loving towards a man. I wish I could get a part of that back from the archives.